Portal of Suck

Sometimes on craigslist.org you run into weird shit. But this has got to be the shittiest excuse for a videogame to ever cross my path. and i'm a fan of Chubby Cherub. This post on craigslist was the catalyst to my collision with the portal of suck known forevermore as Galloping Ghost Productions. They are developing a game (set for release this year!!!) "similar to the older Mortal Kombat games" called Dark Presence and were looking for" actors". it is basically a remake of mortal kombat, with the same technology ( i.e. animated high res gifs) and other "revolutionary" elements. seems like they are so confident in their product that a sequel (!) is in the works, too!!!!

WTF?!?!!? I swear i'm not making this shit up. i'm sure there are plenty of people cleverer(?) than me, who can give this game the roasting it deserves, so have at it!!!!
anyway, here is a partial feature list directly from the site......
Dark Presence is the first digitized fighting game to utilize weapons throughout the entire game.

Dark Presence also runs at a frame rate of 30 frames per second. (wow!!! no flickering!!!)

Characters have left and right sides. NO image flipping! ( AWESOME!!!!)

Realistic moves. This game is very realistic. No throwing fireballs. Only true-to-life weapon-to-weapon fighting. (and ass-to face graphics)

A combo system with reactions like you've never seen before. No generic animations. If you hit a fighter left, they roll right.(WTF????) If you punch them in the stomach they hunch forward.

Over 350 moves and reactions per character!

Well developed characters and stories. I bet.....

No palette swapped characters. DAMN, they even have the balls to diss a 15 year old game!!!SNAP!!!!

All the characters and all there weapons are unique. Yeah like this guy. or this one. She's original, all right.....

A rockin' sound track. cowabunga, dude!!!

and the best part of all......(drumroll)
There are several features pending being added. Such as:
THE SHOCK BAND - a bracelet worn by the player where if a finishing move is done, the loser receives a small totally controlled and harmless shock.
A prize drawer. If you are first in your arcade to finish the game you receive a prize relating to that character you won with, on the spot!

i especially like the fact that the game cabinet shocks the fuck out of you after a fatality.

Comments

Dude I hadn't laughed that hard at someone's expense in a long time, great job and thanks for the tip!

Niero

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